Stasha’s list this week reminds us that A) It’s the 50th anniversary of James Bond; and B) in the United States on Monday it was Veteran’s Day. I’ll remind you that in the UK (and Canada and maybe also Australia) it’s “Remembrance Day,” which is sort of like the US Memorial Day, as near as I can tell. Caleb’s grade sang “A Long Way to Tipperary,” which you know? There aren’t many Tipperary references in New York public schools, which is a shame. I love that song.
So everyone is remembering soldiers and war rages pretty much all around us, to greater or lesser degree, and god only knows what’s going to happen. Sometimes it really seems like the world is going to hell in a handbag, as my friend Chris likes to say.
The world needs a new superhero, clearly; I’m not sure that Mr Bond, even in all his Daniel Craig-ness, can save us. But Stasha says to make a list of Bond things, and I have to confess: I don’t know much about Bond.
So instead of Bond, I give you a list about mom, your mom…and the Bondish gadgets that M, or J, or Q, or some other letter of the alphabet should invent, post-haste.
1. Saran Wrestler: This tool tames the recalcitrant plastic wrap that clings to everything, everything but the sandwiches being slapped together at 630AM for school lunchboxes.
2. Water Pellets: These pellets can be carried in a purse, bag, or pocket without being damaged, but when dropped into a receptacle and mixed with just the teensiest drop of parental spit, immediately liquify in order to satisfy the OMIGODIMDYING shrieks of the soccer players in the back seat of …
3. The Car. This supersonic vehicle plays a key role in the world-saving (or at least world shlepping) activities of momyourmom. It has been customized to suit her needs in several ways. The interior has been rendered impervious to melted chocolate, grass stains, cleats, farts, pretzel crumbs, ice cream drips, and blood. And, secondly:
4. Sibviders: These transparent plexiglass dividers can be deployed to drop from the car ceiling and slide between squabbling children, effectively enclosing each child in a sound-proof, poke-proof box (with air holes). A similar divider can be deployed between the driver and the passengers.
5. EnterTainAPen: This elegant ballpoint can, with a flick of a button, transform into a crayon-loaded cartridge, which is used in conjunction with–
6. ElastiPad. Not to be confused with an iPad, which is bulky, or an iPhone, which is very small (particularly for toddler-sized fingers), the ElastiPad has a surface similar to a white board, but can be expanded or collapsed according to need; it provides the perfect drawing surface for the EnterTainAPen and can be utilized for line-waiting, traffic-jamming, doctor’s waiting room fiddling.
7. SibJitsu Training: An intensive immersion course that can be mastered by putting the instructional DVD under your pillow one night. A SibJitsu Sensei Master can, with one smooth rhetorical move and some fancy footwork, broker a lasting peace in the “didnotdidtodidnot” wars.
8. Tote Bag of Silence: A fashionable satchel that can be stretched into a soundproof bubble within which one can make and receive phone calls, texts, and emails in peace and quiet, during children’s sporting events, school fairs, and even high school dances.
9. Laundry Lenses: These x-ray glasses can be worn by whomever is doing the laundry in order to see if the pockets of dirty clothes contain gum, candy, crayons, ink pens, rocks, wads of paper, stickers, blue-tac, live animals, or Important Notes from Teachers.
10. AutoFind: A small hand-held radar device that detects the whereabouts of homework, shoes, socks, soccer uniforms, the red five-pronged Lego piece that completes the 1027 piece ship, sheet music for the piano lesson in five minutes, glasses, hat, keys, lunchbox, sandwich from three weeks ago that has started to breed under the couch.
photo of Desmond Llewelyn & Bond gear source
This is brilliant! As I was going down the list, I kept making mental notes, “I have to comment on this and this . . . ” Let’s just say if I was a freshman in college and I had a highlighter, this WHOLE piece would be optic yellow.
SIbviders? Now please! SibJitsu training you can absorb while you sleep? Weeping from desire. Tote Bag of Silence? Now, now, now. Give it to me now!
Your wit is “Licensed to Kill”.
Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms recently posted..Bond has the Best One-Liners
These are so awesome! I need the autofind one in a bad way. Still looking for that library book from 3 weeks ago…
Stacie @ Snaps and Bits recently posted..The Cookies Must Go On
I love it! I don’t have kids, but I could still use the Sibviders for when my cats squabble. And who couldn’t use an AutoFind?
Bee recently posted..Searching for the Truth
For #4 itself the world of moms would improve 100% immediately. Forget about bullet proof cars, what we need is dividers! Great list Deborah!!!
Stasha recently posted..Monday Listicles