Confession: I love awards shows. Love the pre-game show, love the presenters stumbling through their teleprompted “witty repartee,” love the post-game recaps, love the glossy magazines filled with pictures.  Often I watch these shows while on the phone with my sister so that we can be catty about all the outfits (although, sadly, in this era of omni-stylists there are fewer and fewer faux pas).  And sometimes, I’ve been on the phone with my sister and on twitter and facebook, multi-catting, as it were.

The Golden Globes are on tonight–this morning–and I can’t find a live feed to save my soul. Although truth be told, it would feel a little weird to watch an awards show while eating my morning toast.  Maybe it’s a delayed reaction to being back in New York over the winter holidays, but for the past few days I’ve been feeling homesick, and missing the awards show has added to that feeling. (Yes, okay, sue me, deep down, I’m really shallow as hell.)

So in an effort to ease my case of the blues, I’m creating my own snarky post about what people are wearing tonight–this morning–yesterday–as they parade down the red carpet in Los Angeles.

I suppose this dress is actually incredibly fashion-forward but to me it looks like Charlize Theron couldn’t make up her mind: I want it long, no short; slinky, no poufy. And so she ended up wearing a washed-out everything:

Like many of the other women on the red carpet, Theron also went with the sideways hair, which further confuses me: why sideways? Don’t you eventually start tipping your head over to that side to kind of balance things out?

Nicole Kidman took a different route for her dress choice, it seems. She went with something as unmoving as her forehead:

I think she’s perhaps going to attend the ceremony as a column because there’s no way on god’s green earth she can sit down in that thing. Her face will not reveal whether she is or is not worried about that fact.

Other dresses with serious sit-down problems:

The kids at Glee Club pitched in and made her a dress from tinfoil and duct tape–wasn’t that nice of them?  Go ahead, sit down, Lea, I dare you.  Ditto you, Piper:

It’s the Glinda-the-good school of fashion. She just needs a sparkly crown and maybe a munchkin or two to complete the look.

Other beautiful-bodied celebrities seem to have gone shopping at the GunneSax store, or perhaps they went shopping in my midwestern home town’s Prom Shop.  Who knew that Jessica Biel and Amanda Peet were fashion besties?

I was seeing double a few times, actually, as I scrolled through all the pictures.  Julianne Moore and Debra Messing? Who knew…but think about it: do you ever see them at the same time? Exactly.

Red heads in black, with long green earrings. It’s a good look, but maybe they should’ve chatted beforehand to see who was going to dibs that look?

The Golden Globes revealed that Kelly Osborne gets her fashion inspiration from the always fabulous Helen Mirren, although Kelly looks old enough to be Helen’s mother.

Kelly’s mother seems to have come to the show dressed as the couch that Lea Michele can’t sit on:

I guess the shoes are cute, but the rest? Hmm. It’s hard for anyone to pull off a huge floral print on a huge foofy dress. Kelly should’ve talked to her mother about her choice, but Sarah Michelle (who claims her two-year-old daughter chose her dress), is living proof that the opinions of children are vastly overrated:

I could go on–with the Claire Danes/Kate Winslet black-and-white symphony (if they stood next to each other, they’d look like a human YinYang); the scary perfection of Angelina Jolie (why yes, it’s entirely possible that I do have a little crush on her and what of that?); the fact that Heidi Klum and Elle McPherson are turning into the same person; and what the beautiful Michelle Williams was thinking in choosing an upholstered velvet pincushion.  But instead, I will conclude with this picture, which is a warning to all of us that the rearview mirrors in dressing rooms are there for a reason, and that if you find yourself by chance working the red carpet in an employee capacity, not a movie-star capacity, you might want to invest in some serious foundation garments–and a bra that matches your outfit:

I feel much less homesick now, thanks.  So I and my pudgy tummy, sagging yoga pants, and ancient jog-bra will shuffle into the kitchen to do the dishes. Isn’t expat life so glamorous?