Did you see the article about a contractor on trial for fraud in yesterday’s paper? It was tucked below the fold on the left side of Tuesday’s Times. I don’t blame you if you missed it. After all, how many corrupt contractor trials is a person supposed to follow? It’s starting to seem as if one of the requirements for being a contractor is a genetic predisposition for graft.

But this guy–David H. Brooks–takes the cake. Or maybe his lawyer takes the cake. Regardless, that cake doubtless has a stripper bouncing out of it.

Mr. Brooks is on trial not only for misappropriation of company funds, but also for a delicious little stock fraud scheme, in which he falsified stock information about his company, DHB Industries (they make military body armor), before selling the company. He made more than $100 million smackeroos on that deal, even though, whoopsie, other people who had invested with the company lost their entire life savings when the fraud was revealed.

I know, I know, I can hear you. You’re rolling your eyes: stock fraud stock shmaud; it’s a dime a dozen these days. Everyone’s doing it–stock fraud is the new black.

But Mr. Brooks had another angle: he used the money generated by his company for his own expenses, including a $100,000 belt buckle, a multi-million dollar bat mitzvah party for his daughter, and, oh yeah, hiring prostitutes for his employees and board members. I’m hoping he didn’t hire ladies to work the bat mitzvah party, but really, who knows.

His lawyer, who must be just a prince of a fellow, argued in court that the prostitutes were totally necessary: they were “a legitimate business expense if Mr. Brooks thought such services could motivate his employees and make them more productive.”


Let’s imagine the monthly body armor sales meetings? “Hey, great job Steve, you hit your sales quota this month, so we’re sending you home with Tawny Rose here!  But Al, you missed your monthly goal, so no nookie for you!” 

Do you suppose any women work at DHB Industries? I mean, is this an equal-opportunity hooker hiring opportunity? Does this guy know that prostitution is illegal?  Oh. Wait. Yeah. If you’re buying belt buckles worth WAY more than my annual salary, then probably pesky things like “the law” don’t bother you.

But maybe he’s onto something. Maybe that’s what Barack needs to do with recalcitrant Repubs: promise them the hooker of their choice (and oh my goodness, what a range that would be!) if they would just vote like reasonable human beings. You know, stop fucking the environment and everything else, and screw someone who is at least getting paid for it.